Showing posts with label WARTY!. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WARTY!. Show all posts

Sunday, December 5, 2021

The Fifth Day of Christmas

Rating: WARTY!

So today we're looking at five books I've read in the last couple of months - or tried to anyway. Not a one of them pleased me! First up is:

Fairy Metal Thunder by JL Bryan

This started out well enough except that the idiot main character was clueless. He didn't seem to exist beyond his evidently unrequited yearning for another character, which not only made him creepy, it also made him very shallow frankly. And if that's all he is, it doesn't endear me to him at all. It was far too YA for my taste.

The story then abruptly switched from being a tale about a garage band to being one about fairies. At least the author had the guts to call 'em what they are instead of trying to hide their embarrassment under this pussy-footing chickenshit 'fae' euphemism. But the fairy world was boringly trope and less than thrilling. When this idiot main character, despite multiple warnings, stole magical fairy instruments for no apparent reason and without any establishment of any credible motive, it not only made no sense, but it also made him seem like a jerk, and a bigger loser than he already was. It was at that point that I just went off the story irretrievably and DNF'd it. I can't commend it based on what I read.

It Ain't Flat by Karl Beckstrand

I've had such mixed luck with this author that I think this is the last of his efforts that I shall try reading, and this was another failure. The book is ridiculously short, and appallingly formatted, since it went through the Amazon Kindle conversion process and ended up - predictably so, for anything that's not the plainest vanilla text - as kindling. Amazon sucks and so does its Kindle system which is yet another reason I will have nothing to do with those assholes.

As far as this "book" is concerned, all it was was a rhyming list of all the nations of the world - intended, supposedly, to be a way of memorizing them. Why anyone would want to do that, I do not know, but this isn't the best way to do it, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with flatness or otherwise of the globe and the formatting was so bad that it was barely readable, so I can't commend this - not even a little bit.

Wizard in a Witchy World by Jamie McFarlane

This Jim Butcher wannabe was far too trope for my taste and involved such a hail of antagonism and violence that it turned me off from the beginning. I'm no fan of Jim Butcher's wizard series by any stretch of the imagination, although I loved his Alera Furies pentalogy, so anything that smacks of that bullshit is a non-starter for me and this did! This idea of 'witch councils' and territories and so on just makes me laugh out loud. It's so tired, and so were the magical practices described here. And what the fuck is up with the idea that if you're a guy you're a wizard, but if you're female, you're a witch? I hated that genderist horseshit in Harry Potter, and it's no less detestable here. There's nothing new in this book, and it bored me. I DNF'd it in short order and I cannot commend it based on what I did read.

The Origins of Heartbreak by Cara Malone

This is the start of a loosely connected series of stand-alones called "Lakeside Hospital" which is nowhere near as bad as an actual series, but I still could not get with this, because the writing was really poor in a variety of ways.

The story is about a woman who is training to be a a paramedic and her lesbian crush who is training to be a doctor. I liked the idea of this which is what drew me in, but when I started seeing how poorly it was written I decided enough is enough. At one point, for example, I read: "...then she’d walk from the hospital to campus and spent the rest of the morning" Wrong verb tense: it needed 'Spend'. Next I came across this: "...but he died shortly thereafter...." Who talks like that? Nobody! Later, I read, "...dic-in-training would cross paths again, at least not until Megan stared her rotations...." 'Started' was needed there.

I don't think anyone knows better than I how a misspelled word or a bad grammar choice, or an oddball bizarre mistake can crop up in your text. When you're a one-person operation, it's easy, and I don't normally care about such mistakes, but when there is a high frequency, and a consistency to them, it makes me think the author doesn't care either, and I lose faith in them. Those issues were not the only ones though. I read, for example, when one character had a moment of vulnerability, the other character was trying to "...work up the courage to kiss Megan while they were sitting alone on that bench." Is the author having one of her two main characters seriously take advantage of a person in a moment of insecurity and weakness? That's really bad and very creepy and anti-romantic.

Another error arose from the author pushing her story so much that she apparently forgot it's supposed to be set in a real (if fictional) world where things are happening and time is passing. I read, "In the five minutes or so that they were alone together...." Now this five minutes was apparently all the time it took to do a complete autopsy in this fictional world! Sorry but no! A real autopsy tales an hour or so. Maybe a bit shorter, often longer, and there's no way in hell its going to get done in five minutes no matter how experienced the coroner is! This was seriously bad writing. Later I read, "After a few minutes, during which she noted gratefully that no tears were threatening to rise in her throat...." Nope. Tears come from tear ducts, not from the throat. Maybe something was coming from her throat: difficulty swallowing, dryness, something, but never tears. That's just sloppy writing.

So the problem with this was that I had the impression that the author was so intent upon getting these two characters into bed that she honestly didn't care how unrealistically she achieved that, and that she really wasn't interested much in creating a story around then or having them behave naturally, or having the romance arise organically from the relationship. That's why I DNF'd this and why I won't be reading any more of this author's work.

Magenta Mine by Janet Elizabeth Henderson

I am honestly at a loss as to how this novel ever got onto my reading list. Seriously. I began reading it and halted with a screech at four percent. The screech was from my mouth when I read this obnoxious part where Harry is quite literally harassing Magenta. There's no other word for it. She works, of course, in a lingerie shop despite this being - from what we've read of her character to that point - the very last place she'd ever work.

She's previously made it clear she has zero interest in him. Another woman, Harry's trusted business partner, has warned him off bugging her, yet he goes right into the store and starts trying to get her to date him despite having been rebuffed before. She clearly tells him no, and does it no less than four times. Then the idiot author has her hand Harry some lingerie to sort, "as long as he's there." Seriously? He takes a look at one of the thongs and says to Magenta, the girl who had just made it clear she wants nothing to do with him, "These would look good on you."

It's fucking obnoxious and this author needs to be thoroughly ashamed, if not thoroughly shamed for writing this abusive trash. I not only do not commend this, I actively condemn it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

King of the Mountain by Aiden Ainslie

Rating: WARTY!

"Multimillionaire, champion cycler, and extremely gorgeous — these are just a few ways to describe Clifford Du Frey. But there’s one thing that most people don’t know about the famous athlete: He’s in love with art student Gabe O’Reilly. Can their relationship survive a media frenzy...." And there's a media frenzy why, exactly? Fifty years ago this plot would have been cutting-edge. Now, it's just...yawn.

Mindspeak by Heather Sunseri

Rating: WARTY!

"Lexi can influence people’s thoughts — a power she’s kept hidden for years. But when newcomer Jack heals her broken arm with his touch, Lexi is thrown into a world of danger and deadly conspiracy." Right, because Lexi is useless unless she's validated by the mysterious Jack-ass, who has the most over-used, clichéd 'goto-guy' name in literary history. Barf. Why would I want to read a novel where the book blurb makes it crystal clear that the author has absolutely no imagination or originality?

Big Girl Panties by Stephanie Evanovich

Rating: WARTY!

"When her husband dies, Holly is at her lowest point — and her highest weight. Trainer Logan helps her get back into shape, but what happens when the rest of the world starts noticing her, too?" Another fat-shaming novel where a female author who should know better tells every woman that she's useless unless she conforms to a white men's skin-deep beauty "norm". Forget the kind of person she is. Forget whether she's intelligent, companionable, capable, reliable, trustworthy, or can contribute in any other way. No. This is just about a woman's true worth according to this author: how attractive she is. Barf

Ever Shade by Alexia Purdy

Rating: WARTY!

"Fire-wielding faeries, a sinister queen, and a perilous mission through an enchanted land — join Shade as she battles evil and discovers her own extraordinary magic!" No thanks. I can't get with any author who's too chickenshit to call them fairies. Barf.

The Love Bet by GL Tomas

Rating: WARTY!

"Magazine journalist Luz knows plenty about sex and hookups — after all, that’s her specialty. But when she’s assigned to write a column for Valentine’s Day, she decides to use the opportunity to answer a question: Will three nights of mind-blowing sex cause a person to fall in love?" How is she going to have anything going on in her mind if it's blown? This story is brain-dead, period. Barf.

A Girl's Guide to Vampires by Katie MacAlister

Rating: WARTY!

So rather than think up something original, this author clones "Twilight." Here's the asinine blurb: "Dating is hard." How exactly is dating hard" If it's hard you're doing it wrong, period, but how would this brain-dead YA character ever figure that out? "But as Joy Randall is about to find out, dating a centuries-old vampire is even harder!" And why would a centuries old vampire have the slightest interest in a teenager other than pure lust? That would be like a forty-year-old guy taking a romantic interest in a newborn. Imagine a ninety-year old dating a teenager and then multiply the ninety by three or four and see how much that grosses you out. That's this story. This author is evidently utterly clueless and has not an original bone in her body judged by her cookie-cutter approach to novel-writing.

Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds / Good Guy by Kate Meader

Rating: WARTY!

Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds

"After her latest relationship ends via text, Chloe Jacobs decides to swear off men altogether." This tells me she's an asshole for two reasons. First that she'd get involved with a guy like that, and second that she makes such a childish declaration. "But arrogant, drop-dead gorgeous hockey player" What's with the fucking hockey player obsession? "Ryan Douglas might tempt her to break her rule" Sorry, my bad. She's an asshole for three reasons because she's going to get right back into the same sort of abusive relationship that just failed so catastrophically. Chloe is an irremediable asshole and I sure as hell have no interest in reading about a clueless jerk-off like her.

AND

Good Guy by Kate Meader

"Military veteran turned hockey star Levi" There is it again. What's with the obsessive compulsive hockey player? Barf. What this tells me is that there are far too many female authors out there who have szero creativity and no imagination. Why is that? What are they afraid of? Missing a sale if they write something truly original?

American Christmas by Adriana Herrera

Rating: WARTY!

"Yin and Ari are celebrating their first Christmas together — and they’ve got some big ideas for presents. But when a holiday disaster ensues, both men are reminded that their love is the best gift of all." That may be all well and good, but why is it an American Christmas? There are some fifty nations, territories, and protectorates in the Americas. It's not just the USA. So my question is: are we so insecure that we have to nail this to a nationality or are we so arrogant and self-centered that only an American Christmas is worth telling a story about? Either way this is a fail. There are so many other ways this title could have played out. I'm just sorry this author wasn't imaginative enough to think of one.

Monday, November 8, 2021

The Austen Playbook by Lucy Parker

Rating: WARTY!

No wonder the morons at Kirkus's Last Stand thought this was "witty and compelling" so rumor has it. It's another tedious, unimaginative, uninventive, retreaded, cookie-cutter clone of Jane Austen. Why wouldn't they think it was sparkling? Barf! You know when it's evidently your policy to positively review everything that's out there, your reviews are utterly useless, right? Well, they don't know that at Kirkussed. Here's the idiot blurb: "Freddy is the star of a live-action TV show" Right - because naming your female star with a guy's name is witty and compelling and has never been done before. And of course it's "...based on Jane Austen’s novels" because why not? There's absolutely no point in doing any actual work when you can just repurpose antique romance novels. "...but she’s having trouble concentrating on her lines, especially when handsome, arrogant critic Griff is hanging around the set." Oh look - the infuriatingly handsome trope, and the enemies who fall in love trope, both on the same story! How witty and compelling. This author evidently does not have an original bone in her entire body. Yawn.

Ransom by Laramie Briscoe

Rating: WARTY!

"Even though Stella has known him her whole life, she’s never given Ransom much thought." Ransom? Seriously? Barf. "But after the daring K-9 handler comes to her rescue, she begins to see him in a new light...." What a fucking moron Stella must be. And how misnamed! Maybe she'll pay a Ransom for sex? Yawn.

The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter

Rating: WARTY!

"Sent into a war that has been waging for almost two centuries, Tau is confronted with death - and vows to become the greatest swordsman alive." Oh wow! What a sterling ambitiion. I am so excited by this book. Barf. Can anyone say George...ah...ah...Martin rip-off?

Real Food, Fake Food by Larry Olmsted

Rating: WARTY!

"...an award-winning journalist reveals shocking secrets and deceptions behind common foods" This is shocking only to those morons who don't care what they put into their mouths, and who would never actually read a book like this anyway. Yawn.

Thomas Jefferson by Robert McDonald

Rating: WARTY!

Because if there's one thing this world needs right now, it's yet another biography of unreprentant slave owner Jefferson. "Thomas Jefferson was a Founding Father and president" Like we don't know that already to the Nth degree? Yawn.

Hunter Killer by David Poyer

Rating: WARTY!

Seriously? Hunter Killer? That's the best title you got? "As war between the US and China rages, admiral Dan Lenson is tasked with clearing the sea lanes around Guam and taking back an island that’s under Chinese control. Can he succeed — and give the downtrodden Allied forces a fighting chance?" Is that a serious question, or does the book blurb writer really think all readers are imbeciles? Yawn.

Secret Service by Tom Bradby

Rating: WARTY!

"When MI6 agent Kate Henderson uncovers a Russian plot to unseat the British prime minister, she’ll have to risk everything to avert an international crisis before the next election." Nope, Not her jurisdiction! It's MI5 that needs to handle this. And like the Russians give a shit about Britain anymore! Boris Johnson is already doing a classic job of fucking things up there, so the Russians don't need to do a thing while he's in power.

The Courier by Holly Down

Rating: WARTY!

"Mourning her once-perfect life, Laurel now works as a courier and relishes delivering mail to the residents of an elite cul-de-sac. One day, looking through the window of a perfectly manicured house, Laurel sees something that makes her world crumble...." Can anyoen say "Rear Window redux? Yawn.

Thanatos by Eva Pohler

Rating: WARTY!

"While in a coma, Therese falls for Thanatos, the handsome god of death. When she wakes up, she learns that he’s crossed into the mortal realm to be with her. But can he and a host of other Greek gods help her avenge her parents’ murders?" Who gives a shit? None of this takes place in Greece. It's been culturally appropriated into the USA because fuck Greece, right? No story can have any value whatsoever unless it's set in the USA or unless at the very least it has a USA main character driving it. Barf. Therese isn't even a greek name. It's Spanish! Yeah, there's a claim that it may have originated from a Greek word, but nowhere does it appear until 4th century Spain. Neither is the Greek god's name THanatos per se. It's more like Tanatos with a hint of an 'H'. So this is a non-starter and really just retreaded Rick Riordan for adults. Yawn.

Sanctioned by RA McGee / Blueblood by Matthew Iden

Rating: WARTY!

"Retired covert operative Czerny Clark has sworn off the black ops world — until his former partner disappears" and he gets pulled in from retirement to fix a situation that not one single other person out of seven billion on the planet can possibly resolve. And how many times has this exact plot been retreaded? Barf. Just title it "Body Count" - all these novels are exactly the same - why not employ the same generic title - pulled out of retirement each time a "new" story appears?!

AND

Blueblood by Matthew Iden

"With a deadly cop killer on the loose, former homicide detective Marty Singer must come out of retirement to chase down the culprit" Why? Is every other cop incompetent? As I've pointed out many times before: this trope is way the hell overdone!

Claiming London by Becca Jameson

Rating: WARTY!

So yet another female author who is evidently operating under the delusion that women are property who need to be claimed like so much baggage at the airport carousel. The title is all you need to know to avoid this like the plague, but the blurb, believe it or not, gets worse. "After her abusive marriage, London wants to experience all the things she missed out on, including submission." Excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK???? She was abused in her marriage and now she craves dominance? What the fuck is wrong with this author that she thinks this utterly wrong-headed idea is ripe for a fictional exercise in trying to make a few bucks? Seriously? Fuck. This. Shit.